'The Moment of Conception' - 1981

This morning I went to meet Mr Leach and the curator of the Torquay Museum to discuss a commission for the large wall above the double staircase.
The space is 12' x 10'. It is a very exciting space. I would like to do a triptych but I had to put up with comments like, "Is it the right way up?" when I showed them slides.
I said, "Yes, if you had never seen a table and there was this object with four legs sticking up from a flat base."
There was a pregnant silence.
I am now distinctly unhopeful that any commission will materialise.

It is nearly 7-00 am. I awoke at 5-30 and saw the last slice of moon kissing a star on its lower horn. I was flooded with thoughts and energies and I tried to kiss the female personage uppermost in my mind.

A few days ago I took 'The Life Force' of 1976 to hang over the stairs in the School of Art. I want to brighten up the place, as it seems sterile. The pettiness of some of my college 'colleagues' upsets me, but most of all makes me sad. Many of them seem so spiritually empty.

I am full of power again. The colours glow within me ready to burst out onto the canvas. A life drawing of Mary has come up quite well. It is very reminiscent of my market drawings of the early sixties. I feel the mood to produce more work in this idiom. Later today I might start another life drawing with nebulous rich colour.

I have been painting for four hours, commencing after Stanley had gone home and Cressida and Jason had gone to bed.
The painting that I have been working on is called 'Synaesthesia - The Moment of Conception'. It is on black canvas and sparkles with luminous looking spirals of colour.

I am very excited about this painting and can only hope that it is not melodramatic trash. I have tried so very hard with it. I believe in the painting. I have clawed my way back to a situation where once again I am an innovator with brilliant technical flair.

I have produced two life studies recently in mixed pastel and oil. They do not work very well. Another recent colour study on paper is of two cooking apples. It is executed in oil pastel, soft pastel and paint.

Today I will carry on with a nude study in college from an exotic reclining pose with Mary, who continues it from yesterday. Cherry hasn't been over for three weeks. Wendy expects me for supper tomorrow night with Val. Connie was a visitor to see my paintings last Monday.

On Wednesday 4th Feb. I went to London to see an exhibition at the Royal Academy entitled 'A New Spirit in Painting'.
It was a dreadful exhibition, full of trash. Only Bacon, Balthus and Kitai came out of it with honour intact. I met Lindy outside the Royal Academy. We had several lovely hours together. I held her hand. She gave me a beautiful etching, which I will frame.
Whatever talent I have is not really being exploited enough. I must work harder!!

Great surges of 'painting excitement' thrust from within. 'The Moment of Conception' is almost complete. Bright red and orange have been introduced into the foreground in which glowing forms thrust and hover. This painting and its evolution have brought back all my 'lost' excitement. It has now reached a pitch where I cannot contain it. I am so happy.
I am convinced it is a masterpiece. I want it to go to the National Museum of Wales or the Tate Gallery. The sky has now been repainted in rich blue oil colour and the foreground is filled with great swirling detail.